As the year comes to a close, I decided to rant a little more and torment you poor sods every fortnight (yes, I’m considerate that way). Welcome to my column; aptly titled –a twit’s wit in Goa’s leading daily- OHeraldo.
I hope you all enjoy it and do send me your feedback on my rants through the gastronomic world currently resided in.
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V for Vigorous
At a social air kissing party- discussing world peace, demonetization and its impact on the agrarian economy and vegetable vendors, monopoly currency fit for the Joker from Batman and world peace all in one breath, someone chirped; “Aren’t you rather thin for a food critic and blogger?”- A statement as presumptuous as the fake YSL clutch bag she held for dear life. Move over to the rapid fire round at the a la spread dinner table had her follow me around like a heat seeking missile to prod further about my eating habits and carefully scrutinize my choice of vegetarian delicacies that graced a table fit for the cast and crew of Game of Thrones. Winter was coming indeed and the Pork Roast across the spit was divine.
It took every ounce of desire to look away and head for the shriveled up after thought vegetarian produce that sat in the neglected remedial corner of the table. Ostracized and how- no consideration for its feelings, hello vegetables have feelings as much as veal does or did.
Before we delve any further into my tormented crazy world of consumption, here is a tad descriptor about moi. A born carnivore as much as a lover of the great single malt and everything related to ‘sin’ encompasses my mortal existence -from high cholesterol to the proverbial potbelly and lethargy that follows with it. Some would pit me as a rather ‘Vigorous’ lifestyle. A description fit for the perfect ‘foodie’ and field of gastronomy high priests and priestesses.
Back to Miss YSL, lets call her that for now shall we? Looking at the asparagus and figments of roman lettuce with cherry tomato grace my plate sent a gasp of disbelief that promptly had the server pour her a glass of fine chardonnay to appease her newfound horror.
Post that was a downhill conversation that has me talk about life, my bachelorhood, my vegetarian affinity and how I change from Clark Kent to Superman in preference related to red meat v/s the by product of their living consumption and had me speak a ‘dead’ language- Latin and break out into the did you know series unveiling the geek in me. ‘Vegetus’ is Latin meaning lively or vigorous. The folks at the Vegetarian Society of the UK purposefully derived the word ‘vegetarian’ from vegetus, not vegetable, or at least that’s what one of them said.
Living the life of a bachelor has its own trials and tribulations. As we carried on discussing my life much to a meek pitiful- Please come home and let my ‘maharaj’ feed you, you poor starving sod, delving into the obvious was shopping and procuring food out there. All the men reading this right now- What’s the current price of a kilo of onions on aisle 4? Exactly. You look just as dumbfounded as a deer caught in the headlights up front.
Ever been to a supermarket and wandered aimlessly up and down the isle wondering what to purchase? (This does not apply to henpecked husbands who have a doctor scribbled list handed over by their ‘better’ halves while they head over to the parlor for some manicure time.) For some bachelors, the hardest part of eating healthy is going out and getting the food. A supermarket is a large, complex place, and it typically operates on a purely capitalist basis: cheap, scientifically engineered, focus-group-approved charades is given more shelf space and prime placement because the companies that make said crap have large budgets for ads and kickbacks. By using a simple checklist system, you’ll always have a variety of food in your fridge, and you can avoid the lure of the garbage passing itself off as food.
The objectivity is starting with the basics and staples. It’s a upward approach understanding the requirements of fuel ones body needs, much like that of a diesel and petrol sedan. Once you get thinking like that you automatically build mechanisms in your head of how to curb the urge when presented in the format of calorific consumption. We call them power foods. And the list includes Raw almonds or walnuts filled with good fat, oatmeal high in fiber and low in cholesterol and one can use it to make healthy pancakes, olive oil (extra virgin please), canned tomatoes- believe it or not they contain more nutrients than fresh tomatoes and fresh fruits and vegetables, brown bread and the list goes on.
Time for dessert has her consume her last glass (read bottle) of that amazing wine and satiated with information that redefined her belief in the concept of vegetarianism and bachelorhood as an informed decision rather than a lifestyle choice. Having lived through the ordeal I decided to consume an apple given the lethargy of me running that extra mile the next day. After all yoga was a few days post. Miss YSL though turned out to be a fan and I even managed to get her number.
V for Victory.
But hey, that could perhaps be the wine talking.
Mr.NObody is your average bachelor blogger, critic, and food aficionado struggling to walk the fine line between healthy eating and carnal gastronomic delights.
Follow him on @nolansatwit